In a shocking revelation, famed Johns Hopkins scientist Dr. Robert Musckovitz has diagnosed George W Bush as suffering from stage 3 syphilis, after examining the President's increasingly erratic behavior. Dr. Musckovitz and his team of physicians, who have not seen or treated Mr. Bush, have identified telling characteristics of the dreaded sexually transmitted disease in the President by closely studying tapes of his mannerisms, speech patterns and eating habits. Candidly, the doctor cautioned "he's really starting to creep me out."
Specifically, the doctor, a graduate of the University of Michigan -- Escanaba Medical School, detailed incidents of the President's peculiar behavior such as his frozen indecision on 9/11, his inability to escape a Chinese press conference, the weird growth on his back during the first debate with John Kerry, and his trademark smirk which could be a symptomatic rictus disguising telltale muscle contractions.
Citing the STD's devious ability to hide undetected for many years, the doctor refused to speculate on where or when Dubyah, constant companion of Condoleezza Rice, may have become syphilitic. He did rule out contracting it by performing a back rub, clearing German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and avoiding a potentially nasty international incident. An intern working in Dr. Musckovitz's reception room did hazard a guess the former Yale cheerleader may have carried it for years. "I bet he picked it up at Stumpy's Bar in New Haven from a waitress. Hell, that's where I got it."
Various experts selling plasma at local free clinics in the District of Colombia maintain syphilis is a disease contracted through sexual contact, although rare instances of spontaneous contraction have been reported as ascertained in the hospital logs of numerous Catholic seminaries.
A really respected medical book with pretty gold leaf on the cover says the late stages of syphilis can damage internal organs, including the brain, nerves, eyes, heart, blood vessels, liver, bones, and joints. Signs and symptoms of the late stage of syphilis include difficulty coordinating muscle movements, paralysis, numbness, blindness, dementia and pronouncing nuclear as "nukular." This damage may be serious enough to cause death and/ or trying to speak with your mouth full.
A high level White House source, requesting anonymity for fear of physical recrimination from what he considers an increasingly unstable Commander-in-Chief, also spoke of bizarre conduct, ie: the President cupping his hand under his armpit making flatulent noises during intelligence briefings and dancing on the South Lawn in triple digit heat wearing heavy winter clothing. "He was rocking out like he was listening to an Ipod, but he had ear muffs on at the time. The day glo blaze orange kind. He even tied a string around them that went into his parka pocket but wasn't connected to anything. I'm not even going to talk about the squirrel, the spatula and the candle wax."
Asked to estimate how long the country has before its President descends permanently into the depths of dementia, Dr. Musckovitz muttered "it may already be too late." Responding to a query as to whether he thinks Mr. Bush is still capable of handling the responsibility of having his finger on the nuclear button, the doctor shook his head and said: "at this point, I wouldn't trust him with a garage door opener."
Comic, writer, actor, radio talk show host, peanut eating Will Durst is barred from possession of the cable remote.
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Catch Durst in radio talk show host mode on Keeping it Real With Will & Willie. Monday through Friday. 7- 10am. PDT. On KQKE. 960 AM. The QUAKE. San Francisco. Or listen long distance @ quakeradio.com.
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Will Durst is America's premier political comedian. He writes "comedy for people who read, or know someone who does." For more on Will, visit his web site.