WILL DURST FOR BUZZFLASH AT TRUTHOUT Will Durst
Holey moley catfish. Well, thank god thatâ€™s finally over. Further thanks that the climax was quick and clean. Almost surgical. Not as long a night as many first thought it might be.
Except for Karl Rove that is, who for all we know is still scribbling numbers to prove the call on Clintonâ€™s re-election win in 1996 was premature. And as usual, Florida did all it could to gum things up, but was eventually rendered irrelevant. And long may it remain so.
In the end, President Barack Obama trounced, er, battered, um, eked out a victory, or to be more precise, Mitt Romney lost. Or shall we say, found a thousand ways to lose. Except for one brief shining moment in the first debate, before and after which he carried a virtual defeat diviner.
And each and every one of his failures can be traced directly to females. The distaff of life. Single women. Married women, Blue collar women. Professional women. Old women. Young women. Ladies and divas and flappers and baby mamas. So here they are, the top ten females who cost Mitt Romney the presidency, each of them representing one of the myriad factors that helped construct the unelectable mosaic that became Bain Capital's Captain of Industry
Â· Michele Bachmann. Mitt embraced the mad (as in psychotic) lady of Minnesota to win the primary battle and when he tried to pivot back to the center appeared not to be the Washington outsider he claimed to be, but a typical politician with the core values of a hollowed out chocolate Easter Bunny, but a rabbit with really good hair. What was that doo with the oily swirl about anyway? Mitt's Elvis-gone-vulture-capitalist hairstyle collapsed like a soufle.
Â· Newly elected US Senator Elizabeth Warren from Massachusetts. Romney, the former governor of that state, lost the home of his former constituents by 23 points. Proof positive that the man arouses the enduring passion of a broken garden rake.
Â· Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who took foreign policy off the table making the entire election about the economy which kept getting better, gol darn it. And who can forget her husband. He certainly wonâ€™t let us.
Â· Sandra Fluke who gave a face to the GOPâ€™s Paleolithic Bronze Age attitudes towards women, further exacerbated by the fact that no man in the party could seemingly shut up about it.
Â· Michelle Obama who is just darn likable. As is her husband. A stark contrast to Romneyâ€™s cyborg demeanor and obvious discomfort around members of the human species and Ann Romney who one wag noted "always looked like she was about to yell at a caterer."
Â· Superstorm Sandy for providing the opportunity for the President to look Presidential and for he and Chris Christie to French kiss on Atlantic Cityâ€™s Boardwalk crystalizing the concept that bipartisanship is not the saddest word. Just another way of Christ Chritie saying "Goodbye Mitt, you lost this election and I am going to have to deal with the black dude who beat your butt off, so no hard feelings, but Obama gets the bear hug; you don't. It's about the money, Mitt, you understand that."
Â· Ann Romney who would have made a simply terrific first lady. For Dwight D. Eisenhower.
Â· Candy Crowley who single-handedly halted Romneyâ€™s momentum in the second debate by speaking way above her pay grade by actually confirming a fact. Donâ€™t you hate it when the help speaks out of turn?
Â· All the Walmart moms, who finally understood that whole Cayman Islands bank account thing marking Romney not as the poster child for the 1%, but as the poster child for the .0001% of the 1%.
Â· And the last female responsible for Romneyâ€™s loss; Rafalca the 15-year-old mare who -- while wearing the Romney silks in Olympic Dressage -- failed to make the medal round and was probably shipped home strapped to the fuselage of a 747. Seriously, Mitt. Dressage?
Satire or not, you decide?
Five time Emmy-nominee Will Durstâ€™s new e- book â€śElect to Laugh!â€ť published by now available at Redroom.com, Amazon or any fine virtual book retailer near you.