GENE GLICKMAN FOR BUZZFLASH AT TRUTHOUT
1. Corporations are persons from the moment of conception. Conception must take place on a Drawing Board. A conception at any other location constitutes illegitimacy. Illegitimate corporations may not appear on the stock market, nor can they merge. (See Provision 6.) An illegitimate corporation can become legitimate only through appropriate gifts being donated to law enforcement agencies.
2. Any person who asserts that a particular corporation already on a Drawing Board is unworkable is guilty of Murder, if the statement prevents that corporation from being hatched; if the corporation is nonetheless hatched, the perpetrator is still guilty of Attempted Murder.
3. In order to incorporate, a hatchling must receive a charter certificate from a particular state. This certificate must contain at least three provisions: a) the hatchling’s name, b) a statement that the “Stock-Holders’ Needs” are paramount, and c) the specification of which Christian sect the hatchling will be a congregant.
4. When a hatchling is incorporated, its human creators are required to hold a baptismal party in the incorporating state, during which they must declare, under oath: “it’s a boy,” or “it’s a girl.” The human creators shall assume fiduciary responsibility for all expenses associated with this party.
5. Only official Government Regulators are permitted to babysit hatchlings.
6. Since Free Enterprise requires competition, hatchling sibling rivalry shall be fostered and encouraged.
7. When a hatchling reaches the age of five years it will be known as a “Spin-Off.” A spin-off must attend school, even if the schoolwork is too hard or too easy. Absences of three or more consecutive business days will require the presentation of a note from the CEO and an accountant’s note.
8. In the classroom, a spin-off must sit at the back of the room, so that its size will not interfere with any human pupil’s view.
9. On schooldays, all attending spin-offs shall be entitled to a free lunch. Upon graduation, the practice of a corporate free lunch shall continue, funded by the taxpayers.
10. Corporations, no matter how wealthy, will not be permitted to undergo sex-change operations. Transgender corporations are forbidden and will go unrecognized by the Stock Exchange.
11. Corporations are permitted to merge only once; any further mergers will be legally bigamous. Moreover, corporations will be permitted to merge only with corporations of the opposite sex; anything else would defy the Will of God. Corporate monopolies are indecent and unlawful, except in the State of Utah. After a merger, the female corporation must obey its spousal corporation’s CEO; this is God’s Law. In no circumstances will divorce will be tolerated.
12. Since the understood and universally-accepted purpose of marriage is procreation, merged corporations are encouraged to produce offspring. But these offspring must be the result of a sex act on a Drawing Board. Each hatchling shall have a baptismal party as described in Provision 4.
13. Since corporations, as persons, are entitled to free speech, and, for corporations, free speech is practiced through the use of money (thus the expression, “money talks”), corporations are required to earn and spend money. The corporate losing of money shall be a Federal offense. A corporation that loses money will, for a first offense, be made to wear a dunce cap and stand in the corner of its boardroom for a week; a second offense will result in mandatory water-boarding, followed by a bailout; a third offense will lead to the offending corporation being placed in a special Corporate Debtor’s Prison with an indeterminate sentence.
14. If a corporation is sent to Debtor’s Prison, even if it does not conform to the prison’s rules, it will not be placed in solitary confinement, to avoid offending its corporate personhood. However, a spanking or other corporate punishment may be administered.
15. Stock-holders are understood to be the corporate equivalent of pro-biotic bacteria. Thus stocks are the equivalent of prescriptions, and the Stock Exchange is analogous to a pharmacy.
16. Just as some substances do not sit well in one’s stomach, no non-stock-holder may attend a stock-holders’ meeting, except with a special written invitation from the corporation’s CEO.
17. In a state that has passed “Stand Your Ground,” “Walk on Water,” or “Float in Air” laws, corporate degradation of the land, rivers or the atmosphere in or above that state shall be permitted under the applicable law. In all other states, the “Stock-Holders’ Needs” defense shall apply, should a corporation be charged with environmental destruction.
18. Corporations are legally entitled to smoke marijuana only if they are incorporated in those states that have legalized this practice for corporations (except for business purposes, when a certified letter from an accountant, elucidating the business purposes is produced).
19. If corporations or their officers conspire to break or violate a law, they shall be declared “not guilty” of all charges if the alleged conspiracy is demonstrated to have taken place in a boardroom or country club. This not guilty verdict shall be mandated because, like all persons, a corporation’s and a corporation’s officers’ privacy is protected by the United States Constitution.
20. Notwithstanding that it is a person, no corporation may serve in a political office; but all corporations shall have the right – and, in extreme cases, the duty – to place a human being, as its surrogate, in a political office.
21. No corporation may serve in the military, since that would violate the “Stock-Holder’s Needs” provision of its charter. (See Provision 3.) But executives of corporations that hold military contracts may utilize special “corporate observer status” to acquire first-hand knowledge of how their products function in a battle zone.
22. Because of the Sanctity of Life, no corporation may request or receive euthanasia, except through the decree of a bankruptcy court that permits a corporation to be “phased out.”
23. When a corporation is legally phased out, a notice to that effect must be placed in the financial obituary section of the local newspaper. The phased-out corporation must then be interred in a solemn ceremony. Cremation and the scattering of ashes are strictly prohibited except in open sea or on private property (with the property-owner’s consent or, failing that, through eminent domain). This provision does not apply to nuclear corporations – whether phased out or still in operation, whose remains and/or waste products either must be a) cremated and buried in a National Park, or b) scattered on snow-filled roads and highways to assist humans driving automobiles.