I'm honored to have been chosen as the Secretary of Comedy and Arts for the Green Shadow Cabinet. However, I must say that I feel I have the hardest job in the entire governmental body—far more difficult than, say, the President or that other guy who makes the President's decisions. Why do I believe I have the hardest job? Because we live in a country where reality has lapped satire and surpassed humor altogether.
We live in a country where Congress is unwilling or unable to pass any sort of meaningful Wall Street reform immediately following the largest financial crime, and collapse, mankind has ever seen. We have a government that passes the STOCK Act to stop government officials from trading on insider knowledge, but then just last week they pass a new bill UNANIMOUSLY that guts the prior one. We have a government that prosecutes whistleblowers far more strenuously than they go after the fraudsters, banksters, and murderers exposed by those whistleblowers. How am I supposed to create comedy when reality is as ridiculous as anything can be?! Only fiction like Catch-22 and 1984 can EVEN BEGIN to describe the reality in which we live.
The Trans-Pacific Partnership is set to be the largest trade deal in history, likely giving international corporations the right to bring legal action against the United States for enforcing our own environmental laws. So we're passing a trade deal to give other countries the right to tell us what to do on our own land?! How does a comedian go about exaggerating that? We live in a hyperbole! We exist in an inflated dark metaphor that cannot be topped!
On the warfront, the Pentagon, to their credit, realized we were killing too many civilians in Afghanistan. So they came up with a bold new solution. They changed the definition of the word "civilian" to exclude anybody of military age. The military now has the power to change the definition of words?! Up is down. Right is wrong. Inside is out. And it's my job to mock it?! I can't mock it—I'm too dizzy!
My point is simply that I'm honored to hold this position at which I can't possibly succeed. In a world where the reality is comedy, I guess I'm just the anchorman.