Note: In some alternative universe, not only am I the speechwriter for President Obama, but I’ve actually convinced him to deliver the following as the 2014 State of the Union. - Dennis Trainor, Jr.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, fellow citizens- 60 years ago, President Franklin D. Roosevelt delivered his annual State of the Union Address to the Nation as a Fireside Chat from the White House in which he outlined a proposed second bill of rights that would to lay the plans and determine the strategy for the winning of a lasting peace and the establishment of an American standard of living higher than ever before known.
The power elite have been guiding this country in a direction in the exact opposite of the spirit behind that second bill of rights ever since. It is because of this- the outsized influence of a few rich people and multi-national corporations that I must report to you that the state of our Union is in tatters, and if allowed to continue on its present trajectory, presents an existential threat to human life both at home and abroad and to the only habitat that human life has ever existed on: planet earth.
Tonight, I’m announcing that I will issue an executive order that will raise the minimum wage for federal contract workers to $10.10 an hour.
Most people on the right will take their cue form mister tan and spray sitting behind me and frown, arms folded, and most people on the left stand and applaud like a bunch of fan girls at an anime convention, but both sides of the isle know this: if those of us in service to the power elite (and if you got elected, about 98% are in that group) don’t at least make an attempt to keep up the illusion of the American Dream, then the whole House of Cards could come down.
Count how many times the phrase “middle class” gets uttered in the state of the union. The truth is, when you aspire to or have a attained the label of American middle class know that – first, the label itself was probably made in Bangladesh, and more importantly, the existence of a middle class, which by definition requires a poor class is, in the richest country in the world, immoral.
So we will do this $10.10 an hour thing, and not only will we NOT jail Jamie Dimon, but we will secretly admire him for getting a raise while serving as a CEO of a company that had to shell out more in legal settlements that the GDP of several continents combined, and just like the magic show that wowed you as a kid the don’t watch the left hand watch the show hand and wham bam thank you sir the neoliberal hungy hungry hippo machine gobbles up all the marbles and leaves the rest of us begging for crumbs like some bit player in a Dickensian pageant.
Speaking of Dickens!
It is time to admit we lost the industrial revolution. The lifestyle it has created, which we now think of as non-negotiable of a the middle class lifestyle that the $10.10 is supposed to help more of us attain, are generating increasing ratios of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere to the point where even US Navy scientists are predicting an ice free arctic summer by 2016.
So- ice won’t reflect sun; the Arctic Ocean will absorb the suns rays, warming things up in a way that will alter jet streams and maps. Do you know the last time we had an ice-free arctic summer? Never before in human history. I could tell you all to start composting and stop buying plastic water bottles but the truth is the greatest climate polluter is the US military.
Yes, the 600 hundred pound homicidal blowback inducing elephant in the room. The thing is, overreaching is part of our DNA as Americans. As an infant country, we expanded through a brutal campaign of genocide we condone in our high school history curriculum with the phrase Manifest Destiny. All these years later, Manifest Destiny has grown up and given birth to a child.
This child still governs our foreign policy decisions, it serves as the justification for the over 700 military bases we keep around the world. It serves as the justification for extrajudicial drone killings in countries that have not declared war on us and pose not threat to us. It serves as the justification for the massive spy agencies that we need to protect us.
Ask yourself this, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress and viewers playing along at home: how much resources do the Swiss have to expend on protecting themselves from terrorists? Is there such a thing as an anti Swiss terrorist network?
Chew on that.
Manifest Destiny’s Child is a threat to all living things, and must be euthanized immediately.
It is customary to close with “God Bless these United States”, but in the interest of fairness we will minimize the role of man made all knowing creators of the Universe and his influence over our affairs and say simply, peace.